Love and Dating ... in North Korea
This updated version of Love & Sex in North Korea was originally written by LiNK for Koreaboo.
According to historians who are really good at remembering when things happened in the olden days, sex and love existed before the Internet was even invented. Before 56K dial-up, phones, and even Tinder, humans found ways to interact completely offline and engage in sexual activity. In fact, biologists believe that the human proclivity for sex is universal and plays a major role in producing baby humans, thereby maintaining the human race’s existence. (Go humans!)
So could it be that in North Korea too, people have sex and fall in love and do romantic things with each other?
According to North Korean refugees that I’ve worked with, the answer is: Yes. North Koreans have sex too.
So, how do North Koreans do it?
First of all, the baseline to understand is that overall North Korean dating culture is pretty traditional and conservative. Think South Korea, but 50 years ago. One of the reasons for this is, well, North Korean society is quite conservative and patriarchal in general and North Korean media is super old-fashioned. In North Korean films you don’t see couples kissing or being physically affectionate with each other, so many North Koreans are just not used to PDA and wouldn’t dream of being too affectionate or kissing in public.
Nonetheless North Koreans do meet and date and fall in love like everywhere else. A lot of it starts in school (awww) and people also meet at dances or house parties. That’s right, when the parents are out of town young urban North Koreans will often invite a bunch of friends over and have a party. Once ‘the eyes have met’ the boy often has to do a lot of the pursuing. And guys, spare a thought for our brothers there: Only about 10% of North Koreans have a mobile phone. So for most, it has to be done the old fashioned way.
Either you have to pre-arrange to meet ‘10 trees away from the school gate at 7pm on Wednesday’ or you have to take the risk of going to their house. The danger, of course, is that you knock on the door and their mother answers, causing all that (traditional Asian) embarrassment. So a common trick is to knock and wait for someone to call out “Who is it?” If it’s the mother you say “I’ve come for Eun-kyung” (even though your girlfriend’s name is something else) and pretend you got the wrong house. If your girlfriend answers, then you can say, “It’s me! Come out!” Nicely done.
Finding a place to date isn’t so hard; people hang out in the park, or by the river, or around the market. But it’s when you need a bit more privacy that things get more difficult. The vast majority of young North Koreans live in their parents house until they get married (even more so than South Koreans) so there is no privacy at home. So when the relationship heats up, young couples will often go to the North Korean equivalent of a love motel, which is basically paying a middle-aged women to clear out of their own house for a few hours so the couple can get it on. A more risky space for a frisson might be a storage room with an unlocked door, or even a train toilet.
However, there’s a problem here...well, a few in fact. Sex education is almost non-existent in North Korea. And contraceptive pills and condoms can be hard to come by, too (you can’t just stop by the closest 24-hour convenience store). I have a friend who used to smuggle goods from China to sell in North Korea, and she says she saw a pregnancy test for the first time in 2007. She of course promptly smuggled some in to sell to North Korean women. This combination of factors unfortunately leads to a lot of unplanned pregnancies and risky abortions amongst unmarried women.
Like other aspects of North Korean culture, dating culture is not static. And as with other social changes, one of the major drivers is the influx of foreign media being smuggled in on DVDs and USB drives, and now even Micro-SD cards. In fact, one of the reasons South Korean dramas and films are so popular is because, in contrast to North Korean government-produced films, they show compelling human stories of love and relationships, and have addictive plotlines. If all you had access to was government propaganda your whole life and then suddenly you heard that your friends had access to this amazing new foreign stuff, you might risk watching it too.
In the first few viewings, these simple South Korean soaps can be revelatory: The PDA, the attitudes of the female characters, even the way they talk and dress. The love story in the Korean drama Winter Sonata, which is credited with starting the Korean Wave across Asia, is still remembered fondly by many North Korean refugees.
Similarly when My Sassy Girl was smuggled in many young women who watched it were driven to imitate not just Jeon Ji-hyun’s fashion and hairstyle, but also the confident and cool way in which her character treats her boyfriend. (And of course in the background of these films and dramas, North Korean viewers can’t help but notice that South Korea looks way richer than North Korea). These information changes are confounding economic changes in their effects on gender relations, as bottom-up marketization has raised the status of women as they play a key role in illegal and semi-legal entrepreneurial business activities.
Humans being humans, porn is also being smuggled into North Korea. And without getting too PG-13, it would be fair to assume that this also opens up and accelerates changes in behaviour between the sheets as well.
It’s worth noting that despite a big growth in flows of foreign media over the last 10 years it is still limited, and especially in the countryside and in the interior of the country away from the border with China, people have much less access (if at all). So there is huge regional variation in North Korea and dating culture will still be very traditional and conservative in the countryside, whilst changing rather quickly in Pyongyang and other major cities and border towns. In addition, young Pyongyangites also mostly have mobile phones now, meaning fewer nervous knocks on doors.
Because of the government’s ongoing restrictions on culture and extreme paranoia over foreign media, North Korea was late to the sexual revolution. But it is now happening, and it is no trivial matter. The emulation of dating culture learned through South Korean and other foreign media, particularly among young urban North Koreans, is contributing to increased sensitivity to foreign trends and a liberalization and modernization of culture and society from the bottom up. And in the long run, it’s this kind of social change that will help usher in a wider transformation and opening of North Korean society, to the benefit of the North Korean people and humanity as a whole.
--SOKEEL PARK - director of research and strategy
39 North Koreans Now Free | Liberty In North Korea’s 2024 Annual Report
We’re excited to share LiNK’s 2024 Annual Report — a celebration of the work we accomplished together in 2024, and as a movement over the past two decades.
Read the full 2024 Annual Report here
2024 Impact Highlights
Our Work Towards Liberty in North Korea
- Refugee Rescues & Resettlement Support: Helping North Korean refugees reach safety and freedom, and gain stability and independence during the first years of their new lives.
- Empowering Resettled North Koreans: Working with resettled North Korean refugees to support their success and develop their capacity as agents of change.
- Increasing Information Access for North Koreans: Researching, innovating, and developing initiatives to empower North Korean people inside the country with greater access to information and technology.
- Changing the Narrative on North Korea: Focusing on the stories of the North Korean people and mobilizing a global movement of support for this issue.
Note from our CEO
North Korean Refugee Rescues & Resettlement Support
LiNK is one of the few groups that still operates in the underground railroad, forever changed by the effects of the pandemic. Our field team continues to navigate a more difficult operating environment, amidst increased restrictions and surveillance in China.
In 2024, we’re grateful to have welcomed 39 North Korean refugees and their children to freedom. As we regain momentum with rescues, our team is committed to finding ways to make rescue missions safer, reduce costs, and diversify our routes to build up the resilience of our networks.
Once North Korean refugees begin their new lives, LiNK journeys alongside them through this crucial period of transition. Whether this looks like financial assistance, home visits, or connecting people to resources and services, we help ensure a smoother, more successful resettlement experience.
- 39 rescued
- 35 newly resettled
- 140 supported
Empowering Resettled North Koreans
When North Korea is finally free, North Korean people themselves will be the ones to determine the future of their country.
As we work towards that day, LiNK invests in building the capacity of North Koreans to succeed in resettlement, reach their goals, and lead change. We identify current challenges in the defector community and develop programs to address gaps in career, education, and skill-building opportunities.
As North Koreans become leaders on campus, in their workplaces, and in their communities, it also develops their potential as agents of change on this issue. We’re already seeing the next generation of North Koreans spearheading progress with their unique talents — writers sharing their stories with global audiences, tech-savvy engineers developing information access strategies, entrepreneurs creating more opportunities for North Koreans in business, and activists speaking about North Korean human rights at the highest forums of international policy and diplomacy.
- 208 empowered through our programs
Increasing Information Access for North Koreans
North Korea is one of the most physically and digitally isolated countries in the world. By controlling what North Koreans see and hear through propaganda, the regime disempowers them from making informed choices or scrutinizing the government. Increasing the people’s access to outside information and technology is therefore one of the most effective ways to accelerate forces of change and opening.
LiNK’s Information Access Programs (formerly known as Labs) explores this opportunity with three key areas of impact — creating and curating content tailored to the interests of North Koreans, developing technologies with built-in security to protect users, and devising strategies to increase the flow of information into North Korea.
In 2024, we grew our small Information Access Programs (IAP) team and laid the foundation for ambitious expansion in 2025.
- 2 technology projects
- 1 digital security research project
- 52 North Korean defector collaborators
- 4 media features broadcast into North Korea (via Radio Free Asia and Voice of America)
As always, we are limited in what we can share publicly to protect end users, partners, and the projects themselves.
Changing the Narrative on North Korea
For decades, North Korea has been defined by dictators, politics, and security threats. Media outlets often perpetuate the narrative of a distant and hopeless country, playing right into what the regime wants — to stymie change and distract from the real story, the North Korean people.
LiNK empowers North Koreans to redefine and humanize this issue through their stories. We partner with them to create original media, as well as work with international media outlets to foster a people-centered approach to reporting.
Today, we see a broader narrative on North Korea that highlights forces of change and invites international audiences to join us in taking action. North Koreans themselves are now leading the charge, creating their own documentaries, books, digital media, and art to rewrite the future of North Korea — one where every man, woman, and child is free.
- 11,586,504 reached online
- 2,923 reached in-person
20 Years of Impact on the North Korea Issue
- 1,382 North Korean refugees rescued
- 1,245 resettled in South Korea
- 37 resettled in the U.S.
- 1,101 empowered through our programs
- 46.6 million people reached online
- 350,000+ people reached in-person
- 1,273 total media mentions
- 1000+ LiNK Teams worldwide
"I am sending my congratulations to LiNK on its 20th anniversary. Few groups have done as much for North Koreans… Its long history is remarkable: many people have been discouraged by the lack of spectacular success, while LiNK has continued its operations, doing what was possible, often on a small scale. Such persistence is rare and commendable.
Most likely, North Korea will remain a challenge for a long time, and its people will need all kinds of support, including the assistance LiNK is providing. I wish LiNK continued success in its important work.”
– Andrei Lankov, historian, professor of Korean Studies at Kookmin University, author of The Real North Korea
